Raising a Child: The Idiot's Guide
by Fairady
Summary: Auron suspects somethings wrong with Tidus, and turns to the source that has helped him raise the boy. yaoi, etc.
1. The Book

Notes: just ignore everything that happened in the game. this takes place after auron arrives in zanarkand to find tidus. pretend sin is gone and the dream zanarkand became real and rejoined with spira. basically this is my lets-see-how-many-pairings-i-can- fit-into-one-fic.  
  
Warnings: this is supposed to be humor. run now.   
there will be random character bashings. there will be het(maybe. i'm not promising anything), yaoi, and yuri pairings. there will be pairs, threesomes, and i think there'll be one lone narcisist. i'll add more warnings as they become necessary.  
  
Pairings: nope. that'd just ruin it.  
  
Disclaimer: i do not own final fantasy x or any of it's characters. they are slaves and belong to square. but i've managed to get on their list of potential buyers for when they have no more use for them. heh heh, soon my pretties.......  
  
  
  
  
Raising a Child: The Idiot's Guide  
by fairady  
  
~  
  
Tuesday(evening)  
  
"I'm gonna be late again!" Tidus skidded through the kitchen grabbing an apple, and shot past Auron. "Ihopewewintonight  
'causethewinnerget'stoplayinthechampionshipgamessoi'llprobablybelatetonightbuti'llcomehomeassoonasthegame'sover. Bye!"  
  
The door slammed shut before Auron could decipher the boy's words. The young man was the star player of the Zanarkand Abes, and was very serious about the game. The teen had been agonizing over his team's chances of playing in the Spira Blitzball Championship. Only one team from Zanarkand would be allowed to play at Luca. Tidus had been practicing for the past year determined it would be the Abes.  
  
Auron chuckled softly as he gathered up the newpaper that had been torn out of his hands by Tidus' fast exit. It was good for him to have something to focus on. It kept the energetic teen out of trouble. If Tidus was not at home it only meant he was at the Colliseium playing the game. Blitzball was Tidus' entire life.  
  
Auron set the paper down, his one eye narrowed in thought. Something was wrong. He could feel that something was not quite right with his thoughts. Frowning the older man examined his last thoughts. He had a good idea what was wrong, and walked to his room. The room was bare of all but a few personal items even after ten years of sleeping in it.  
  
Kneeling next to the bed Auron reached under it, blindly groping for the box he kept there. Pulling it out he settled himself more comfortably on the floor. He carefully pulled a thick book out of the box, it was falling apart from near constant use. The cover was burnt and only a small paragraph(1) from the back cover was distinguishable.  
  
Auron knew the answer to the problem could be found within it.  
  
~  
1) "In today's world raising children properly can be a daunting task. Especially if the parent has had no prior experince with children. This guide was written to help aspiring parents overcome their fears and apprehensions. It will describe each of the stages of life your child will go through, and will offer advise on how to correctly respond to each stage. With this book you will be able to properly raise a child!" ~Secuva Raith author of "Raising Children Correctly: An Idiot's Guide."  
~  
  
  
  
yes, i know i'm going to hell. i was just suddenly struck with the idea of auron reading one of those 'for dummies' books. 


	2. The Problem

Notes: just ignore everything that happened in the game. this takes place after auron arrives in zanarkand to find tidus. pretend sin is gone and the dream zanarkand became real and rejoined with spira. basically this is my lets-see-how-many-pairings-i-can- fit-into-one-fic.  
Notes: hopefully i'll get the rest out this fast. after i get some sleep.....  
  
Warnings: this is supposed to be humor. run now.   
there will be random character bashings. there will be het(maybe. i'm not promising anything), yaoi, and yuri pairings. there will be pairs, threesomes, and i think there'll be one lone narcisist. i'll add more warnings as they become necessary.  
  
Pairings: nope. that'd just ruin it.  
  
Disclaimer: i do not own final fantasy x or any of it's characters. they are slaves and belong to square. but i've managed to get on their list of potential buyers for when they have no more use for them. heh heh, soon my pretties.......  
  
  
  
  
Raising a Child: The Idiot's Guide  
by fairady  
  
~  
  
Tuesday(night)  
  
Tidus raced through the streets of Zanarkand adrenaline still coursing through his veins. He couldn't wait to get home to tell Auron about the game. The Zanarkand Abes were going to the Luca Championship!  
  
"AURON!" Tidus crashed through the front door, his mouth already engaged in babble mode. "You won't believe what happened! We won, of course! But the other team had the NERVE to..."  
  
"Shut-up and sit down, Tidus. We have to talk."  
  
"Like they were any good to-Hunh? Talk?" What was there to talk about? Auron never talked unless Tidus asked him specific questions, and sometimes not even then. Auron never started a conversation except for...  
  
Too late, Tidus noticed the charred remains of a familiar book lying next to the older man. Not just any book, The Book.  
  
"DEAR GODS, NO!" Pure terror pushed his voice several octaves higher than normal as he screamed like a little girl. Auron sighed, Tidus was too predictable.   
  
The blonde teen sprinted for the door using every ounce of speed he'd gained from playing blitzball. He prayed to all the deities he knew, and a few that he'd made up, to reach the door safely. Outside he knew he'd be able to outmaneuver Auron. Inside the old man held all the advantages. Tidus reached for the handle when he felt his feet get jerked out from underneath him, a heavy weight on his back prevented him from crawling to the door.  
  
"Sit down, Tidus. I won't say it again."  
  
"Alright! Alright! Just get off my back!" Tidus cursed as he rubbed his sore back. No matter how fast he ran he never seemed to be able to reach the door in time. "I thought I burned that Sin spawned fiend of a book last year!" The Book had burned. He was sure of it. He'd lit the match and scattered the ashes into the ocean himself. "You sure we don't need to Send it!?"   
  
"Hm." Auron skimmed through The Book, finding the passage he needed. "It says you would change the subject of our conversation. That means you are uncomfortable with the topic and want to avoid it." He glared at Tidus. "I won't let you do that. Sit."  
  
Tidus gave up. It was impossible to reason with the older man when he was possessed by that demonic Book. It would be a lot easier, and less painful, to accept his fate and hear what The Book of humiliation had in store for him now. "Whatever. What topic are we discussing now?" It was probably something horribly painful and emotionally scaring, in retaliation for the whole burning thing.  
  
Auron flipped through a few pages, it was a miracle the thing didn't fall apart. "According to this you should have reached a new stage of development in your life, but you haven't." Auron glared at Tidus as if he were at fault for not knowing when to develop. "You seem to have completely skipped this stage and gone on with the next. That is not healthy."  
  
He had a bad feeling. Worse than the feeling he'd had after eating the green 'mystery' meat he'd found in the fridge. "Um..ok. What stage have I skipped?"  
  
Auron solemnly closed The Book, his voice was serious. "Dating."  
  
~  
"Dating is a crucial part of a young adult's life. Some argue it is the most important part. It is important for a parent to be gentle and supportive when guiding your child through the initial awkwardness of this stage. Especially for the first date. Any negative occurrences can be harmful for your child's future relationships as he/she will associate these negatives to dating. Remember to offer your child love and encouragement during the first steps of dating." ~Secuva Raith author of "Raising Children Correctly: An Idiot's Guide."  
~  
  
  
*grins* let the games begin! the torture is beginning to form in my head as i type. that's all i have for now. i'm just gonna post this as it comes instead of waiting for it to be finished, seems easier that way. 


	3. Strike One,

Notes: just ignore everything that happened in the game. this takes place after auron arrives in zanarkand to find tidus. pretend sin is gone and the dream zanarkand became real and rejoined with spira. basically this is my lets-see-how-many-pairings-i-can- fit-into-one-fic.  
  
Warnings: this is supposed to be humor. run now.   
there will be random character bashings. there will be het(maybe. i'm not promising anything), yaoi, and yuri pairings. there will be pairs, threesomes, and i think there'll be one lone narcissist i'll add more warnings as they become necessary.  
  
Pairings: nope. that'd just ruin it.  
  
Disclaimer: i do not own final fantasy x or any of it's characters. they are slaves and belong to square. but i've managed to get on their list of potential buyers for when they have no more use for them. heh heh, soon my pretties.......  
  
  
  
Raising a Child: The Idiot's Guide  
by fairady  
  
  
~  
Tuesday(much later)  
  
"So I was like, '50 gil! You have got to be kidding me!' I mean, really. Isn't that a bit much for extra crystal clear natural mineral water? I think he was just trying to cheat me, you just can't trust those Al Bhed. Don't you think so Tidus? Tidus!"  
  
"Uh, heh. Yeah. What you said...." Tidus was impressed. It was the first break in her half hour ranting about the city. He wasn't too sure though, he'd stopped listening after the first minute.  
  
Auron had wasted no time in correcting the problem with Tidus' life. Within an hour of telling him it was time to start dating, Tidus had been shoved out the door and into a strange girl's arms. Shelinda had manhandled him through the streets and into a small restaurant. That was over an hour ago.  
  
Auron was a dead man. Tidus loved the man like the only father he'd had, but book or no book the man was going to die.  
  
"Of course I'm right." Shelinda beamed happily. Tidus wondered what he'd agreed to. "It's part of the teachings of Yevon. You do know the teaching, right? Most people here don't! Can you believe that?! That's why I came here. To preach the words of Yevon to the heathens and blasphemers!"  
  
"Ok." Tidus laughed nervously. Shelinda was starting to scare him. Her eyes were glazed and she seemed to look right through him. Just my luck, he thought, she's insane. "So you're, um....a missionary? Sounds.....interesting."  
  
"Isn't it!?" Shelinda smiled clasping her hands before her. "I get to bring the divine teachings to the unenlightened and save their souls from eternal damnation! Of course there are people, like the Al Bhed, who don't deserve it." The woman's eyes narrowed, her voice became cold. "We know how to deal with them."  
  
"T-That's nice." Tidus stuttered as he edged back from the table. The door was five feet behind Shelinda. If he ran he'd make it. Tidus realized that the patrons of the restaurant were staring at them. No, they were staring at him.  
  
"What about you, Tidus?" Shelinda stood up and walked around the table to stand behind him. Tidus squeaked when she gripped his shoulders. The small woman was stronger than he'd thought. "Won't you accept the holy teachings and become one with us? Yevon is the only way to save your soul."  
  
A chorus of 'Praise Yevon!' came from the crowd. The door was blocked as the people stood and surrounded Tidus. The devote Yevonites smiled kindly at him. Not kindly enough for Tidus to ignore the fact that they were armed and he was outnumbered.   
  
I think, he thought nervously, I'm in trouble.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Tidus' sneakers squelched as he slowly walked home. Water dripped from his soaked clothes.  
  
He'd finally escaped the Yevonite's grasp. It had only taken the sacrifice of an innocent bystander to distract the mob, and all his money to hide in a fish tank in a merchant's store till the carnage ended.  
  
"Thank ye gods, it's over!" Tidus wanted nothing more than to collapse in his bed and hide under the sheets for what was left of the day.  
  
Auron was waiting for him when he got home. "Date didn't go well?"   
  
Tidus glared at him before disappearing into his room. Auron sighed. Apparently grabbing the first person he saw on the street wasn't a good way to find dates for the boy.  
  
The scarred man frowned thoughtfully. The Book stressed the importance of a steady girlfriend. Maybe he should set up another date......  
  
~  
"It is fundamental that your child maintain a stable and loving relationship. The first few relationships will influence the child's later relationships. Some times it might be necessary for you to step in and help." ~Secuva Raith author of "Raising Children Correctly: An Idiot's Guide."  
~  
  
  
thanks for all your comments! i love getting feedback. you can all thank sevenpgs for this update. she got me working on it again and i finished it while talking to her.   
date #1 is done, now lets go for #2. 


	4. Strike Two?

Notes: this would've gotten out earlier but the friend i sent it to to put up got her 'puter fried by a virus. so it's been waiting for two months to be put up. note to self: boot camp SUCKS!!!!  
  
Warnings: this is supposed to be humor. run now.   
there will be random character bashings. there will be het(i'm sorry), yaoi, and yuri pairings. there will be pairs, threesomes, and i think there'll be one lone narcissist i'll add more warnings as they become necessary.  
  
Pairings: nope. that'd just ruin it.  
  
Disclaimer: i do not own final fantasy x or any of it's characters. i use them without permission. i would beg square not to sue me, but my knees hurt too much.  
  
  
  
Raising a Child: The Idiot's Guide  
by fairady  
  
  
~  
Wednesday  
  
  
'Tidus.'  
  
Tidus spun wildly trying to peer through the water sphere's depths. Panic gripped him as players from both teams swam around him in a confusing disarray.  
  
'The ball!' He'd just had it in his hands, but now he couldn't find it. The blonde swam frantically trying to spot the blue blitzball. His team had to win this game. 'Where did the damn thing go?!' The water sphere's water was cold, too cold. Maybe the ball was with that Al Bhed merchant who had his clothes.   
  
"Get up."  
  
He hoped not, the merchant would make him pay a high price for it all. Time was running out for Tidus as he realized his wallet was in his shorts.  
  
The water sphere shuddered and tilted onto it's side.  
  
"AGH!!!" Tidus woke up as he, and the matters, were flipped onto the floor. "You know," Tidus grunted lifting the matters off himself. "it wouldn't hurt you to wake me up nicely every once in a while."  
  
"Why?" Auron was already out the door, but stopped to glance back at the scowling boy. "This works just fine. Now get ready or you'll be late."  
  
"For what?" The blonde grumbled replacing his matters. His guardian wordlessly tossed him an envelope before going out to the main room. Tidus trudged out after him curiously looking into the envelope. "The fair? Why're we going to the fair?"  
  
Auron didn't look over at the boy as he pulled on his boots. "We're not, but you are."  
  
"Ok," Tidus blinked at the envelope his sleep filled mind not quite grasping the implications of the other man's words. Yep, there were still two tickets in it. "Why do I have two tickets?"  
  
Auron opened the front door before turning back to the teen. "There is an address on the back of one ticket. In two hours you'll be at that address to pick up you're date and take her to the fair."  
  
"Date?" He should've seen it coming. There was no way in the nine hells that book would let him off with so little punishment. "What do you mean 'date!?' Auron I'm not gonna do this! That last 'date' was horrible! I almost got enlightened!"  
  
"Yes," Auron sighed. "I made a mistake with that one. This one will be better though."  
  
"No!" Better? Yeah right. Auron's idea of better was an only slightly bleeding stump over a bleeding stump. "I don't want to go on another date. It's just....just wrong! I refuse-"  
  
"Tidus," Auron neatly cut the young man off. Crap. Tidus swallowed as one rust colored eyes narrowed, and he continued using a tone that Tidus knew meant business. "You will go on this date. I will call her tomorrow to make sure you picked her up on time. If I find out you didn't I have no qualms about telling Shelinda and her flock where you live. Do you understand?"  
  
"Wha-?" Tidus squeaked out staring at his guardian in horror. It hadn't been easy outrunning those freakish fanatics. He was probably on their 'to deal with' list. Right under the Al Bhed.  
  
"Good," Auron turned and walked out the door. "I should be back sometime tonight."  
  
Tidus stared blankly at the door for a few seconds. Another 'date' dictated by that hell spawned book. Another 'date' picked out by Auron with no way for him to back out of it.  
  
"SADIST!"  
  
If he was lucky he'd get lost going to the house and then he wouldn't have to go. Yeah right. While he was wishing he might as well ask to be hit by lightning.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
The house was sickeningly easy to find, and he didn't have any luck in the freak lightning storm area. The sky was sickeningly clear of all clouds. Tidus slumped against the opposite building. He was a few minutes early, there was still a slim chance he'd get hit by lightning.  
  
Standing around bemoaning his fate wasn't getting him anywhere except depressed. He might as well get it over with. Maybe Auron was right about this one. Maybe. Groaning the blonde pushed himself towards the house.  
  
"You can do this," he muttered to himself as he approached the door. "It can't be that bad. Can it?"  
  
The door opened before his hand was half raised. "You're Tidus, right?"  
  
Tidus blinked down at the young woman who smiled brightly at him. "Um, yeah. You're Yuna?" So far, so good. The small brunette looked like a nice normal person. Then again, so did Shelinda.  
  
"Yes," the woman lightly grabbed his arm and urged him inside the house. "You're a little earlier than I expected. I just have to get something real fast, and then we can leave."  
  
"Ok," Tidus stood awkwardly in the small hall as Yuna disappeared into another room. She'd just gone to get something real fast and would be right back. The door was right behind him he'd be able to bolt out at the slightest hint of anything unusual. Paranoid? Him? No way, not when dealing with something Auron had set up.  
  
"Rikie? Dearie is that you?" Tidus was halfway out the door before his brain caught up with him. One of the doors to the right had opened and an extremely old woman peered blindly at him.   
  
"No, ma'am. I'm uh, here to pick Yuna up," Tidus smiled at the old woman though he doubted she'd be able to see it. He felt like a fool for bolting like a scared rabbit from a harmless old woman who looked to be near a hundred.   
  
"I've got it! We can go now, Tidus," Yuna hurried out smiling triumphantly as she held up a small bag. The smile disappeared as she caught sight of the old woman. "Oh, Auntie. I thought you said you were going to take a nap."  
  
"Yuna?" the woman shuffled forward using a stout looking cane to help herself. "What is this nonsense about that boy taking you out?"  
  
"Auntie," Yuna sighed and smiled. It only looked slightly fake to Tidus. "This is the guy Sir Auron told us about yesterday. Remember?"  
  
The white haired woman shuffled closer to Tidus, staring up at him intently with nearly blind eyes. Tidus shifted backwards under the vulture-like scrutiny. This close to her he could see every wrinkle that made up her face in bold relief.  
  
"I don't like him," the woman's gravely voice shifted and rose to a higher quavering whine. "You stay away from Yuna!"  
  
The blonde winced his hands automatically going up to cover his ears. Her voice was worse than rusty nails on a black board! His were ringing from the high pitch. The crone stood her ground and glared up at him. Suddenly she didn't look so harmless anymore.  
  
"Auntie!" Yuna stepped up to the woman's side. She was still smiling, how Tidus did not know. "Sir Auron sent him here. It would be extremely rude to him if we sent Tidus away."  
  
"Um," Tidus shook his head clearing it of the ringing. "That's ok. I'm sure he'd understand th-"  
  
"No!" Yuna spun quickly grabbing onto Tidus' arm. He was beginning to suspect that women had a supernatural strength when it came to grabbing arms. "Its fine. Lets just go now before the crowd get too big. Bye Auntie!"  
  
Blowing a kiss to the old woman Yuna quickly dragged him out the door. Her calm smile only seemed to be slightly desperate. Tidus realized that she probably wanted to leave just as much as he did, if not more. He wondered how made it must be to live every day with that woman and her voice. Shuddering in sympathy Tidus quickened their pace.  
  
They almost made it to the street corner before a terrible screeching stopped them. "Wait!"  
  
The harpy was hobbling out the door and heading their way. Slowly. Yuna let his arm go her shoulders slumping slightly. "I'm so sorry Tidus. Shes going to come with us."  
  
"What?" He wondered if it was too late to run for home. Then Yuna would have to spend the evening with the crone. He barely knew the young woman, and wasn't quite ready to accept that she was harmless, but he pitied her. He couldn't leave her with the old crone.  
  
The crone stopped in front of him glaring her disapproval. Yuna smiled at her, easily hiding any disappointment. Tidus managed an awkward half grin. "Guess we should go now, huh?"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Stay away from the Summoner!"  
  
The crowd around the trio broke up as many reeled away clutching their ears in pain. Tidus could sympathize with them. After being in the hag's presence for a solid hour, the blonde was ready to stab his eardrums out with a candy stick.  
  
"Auntie," Yuna smiled sweetly at the old witch like she had for the past hour. Tidus could see the strain behind her constant smile now. "Tidus was only trying to hand me my drink."  
  
"I do not want you to become too close to him," the crone glared at him. Not that that was new, she'd been glaring at him since the'd left the house. "You should not be contaminated by the likes of him!"  
  
Tidus dropped his head and groaned. From what little conversation the old hag allowed he'd found that Yuna was a nice person. He was very surprised to find that he was actually liking the young woman. Not in the way Auron wanted him to, but as a friend. If it weren't for the battle ax's constant snapping Tidus would've enjoyed the 'date.' But with the vulture's shadow looming over them, screeching every time he so much as looked at Yuna, the date was turning out to be just as bad as his date with Shelinda.  
  
It had been a few hours, surely that would be long enough to satisfy Auron. There wasn't much he could do to help Yuna by staying, and pity only went so far. Plus he had blitzball practice the next day, and didn't want the impending migraine to ruin it.  
  
"Hey," decision made Tidus stepped closer to Yuna, ignoring the old bag's glare. "Its getting kinda late now...so maybe I should-"  
  
"YUNIE!"  
  
"Gah!" Tidus almost fell as a blur pushed past him and threw it's arms around Yuna.  
  
"I thought that was you!" the small blonde woman released the brunette. "Isn't this fair just the greatest? I was kinda hoping I'd run into you," she turned and faced Tidus. Odd green eyes solemnly studied him before the woman smiled. "Who's this?"  
  
Yuna laughed and hooked one arm through Tidus' pulling him back towards her. "This is my date, Tidus. Tidus this is my cousin, Rikku."  
  
"Oh. Uh, hi," Tidus smiled at the two young women and opened his mouth to say more. An ominous rumbling stopped him. The dinosaur looked pissed as she hobbled closer to the three teens. He was surprised at how fast she could move using her cane.  
  
"Um...look, I gotta..." Tidus stammered as he tried to nicely extract his arm from Yuna's hold. He'd had more than enough of the artifact's  
screeching to last him a lifetime.  
  
"Auntie!" Rikku spun around, neatly stepping into the geezer's path. "What are you doing here?"  
  
"Rikie?" the stiff stopped and peered blearily up at the young woman. "Why it is you! Come here and give your Auntie a hug!"  
  
Rikku gingerly hugged the old witch before frowning thoughtfully. "But don't you have a meeting tonight? I heard that there was supposed to be a meeting for the Yevon faithfuls in an hour."  
  
Tidus shuddered. The hag was one of those fanatics?! No wonder she couldn't stand him.  
  
"There is?" the old woman's eyes widened as she peered towards Yuna. She seemed uncertain about what to do.  
  
"Yeah!" Rikku grabbed Yuna's arm, pulling it out of Tidus', and stepping between the two. "Why don't you go to it? I'll stay here and watch my cousin, Yunie."  
  
The bag considered it for a few seconds before smiling. "That would be lovely. I know you will keep a good watch on you're cousin." With one last glare at Tidus the crone hobbled away quickly disappearing in the crowd.  
  
"Sorry I'm late," Rikku smiled sheepishly at her cousin. "I only just got you're message. I would've come sooner to drive her off."  
  
"What?" Tidus relaxed as soon as the hag was gone. He didn't really care who Rikku was, but he already liked her. "You mean you two actually planned getting rid of her?"  
  
"Yes," Yuna smiled more brightly than she had with her Auntie around. "She is a good woman, but she can get very protective of me. If it weren't for Rikku I'd never be able to do anything except sit and learn about Yevon all day long."  
  
"That has gotta suck!" Tidus bounced lightly on the balls of his feet looking around the fair. There was still a few hour left before it closed perhaps they could still have some fun. "Come on! Lets do something."  
  
The two grinned at him as they headed for the nearest stall. Maybe the 'date' wasn't as ruined as he thought.  
  
~  
"How you're child deals with minor annoyances and problems during the first date are crucial factors in determining their getting a second date. There is not much that you as a parent can do to help you're child along this path. However if you have raised you're child properly there will be no problems in this area." ~Secuva Raith author of "Raising Children Correctly: An Idiot's Guide.  
~  
  
that's it for now. stay tuned to find out what happens next! 


	5. Yep, strike two,

Notes: It has been way too long since I've added anythin to this fic, and I'm extremly sorry about that. This chapter just didn't want to be written. 

Warnings: This is supposed to be humor. Run now. There will be random character bashings. There will be het, yaoi, and yuri pairings. There will be pairs, threesomes, and i think there'll be one lone narcissist.

Pairings: Heh, just guess and you might not be far off the mark.

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy X or any of it's characters. Thye belong soley to the Square. The Square is mighty an all-knowing. Being such a mighty being the Square would realize I have nothing worth suing for, right?

Raising a Child: The Idiot's Guide

by fairady

* * *

"You're kidding!" Tidus doubled over in laughter, he couldn't help it. "Your Auntie is a devout Yevonite, and you're both at least part Al Bhed?"

"Yep," Rikku danced ahead, easily avoiding the abandoned trash. "Wild, isn't it? The shrew is a really sweet lady...when she's unconscious."

"Rikku!" Yuna laughed as she walked, swinging her handbag. "You shouldn't insult her like that...too much."

The fair had closed for the night and Tidus was surprised to find that he had enjoyed spending time with the two women. It had been a while since he'd spent any time just hanging out with some friends. Not very surprising since outside of his team he didn't have that many friends. And he was too busy with the world finals to spend much time with them.

Smiling Tidus turned to the cousins. "I really had fun tonight with you two. I'd really like to do this again sometime. Is there anyway I can get a hold of you without having to go through the 'Auntie?'"

"Sure! You can send a message through an Al Bhed merchant. He's not too far from here and his name is Rin," Yuna frowned thoughtfully. "Don't let him charge you for it either, he charges for everything. We made a deal with him to do this for free."

"Rin, huh? I think I've been to his shop before," an Al Bhed merchant named Rin who charges for everything? There couldn't be too many in Zanarkand. "So, what kinda deal did you make?"

"We just gave him information about-Hey!" Yuna jabbed Rikku in the stomach, hard.

"We just gave him some information about someone," Yuna smiled nervously at Tidus. "We..uh, we really don't want this person to know we did. It's just best not to talk about it."

"Okay...." Tidus felt there was more to the story than just that. Sighing he decided the night was going too good to waste on the inevitable headache asking further questions would bring. "I'll keep that in mind when dealing with Rin."

"Hey, the nights not over yet!" Rikku hooked one arm with Tidus' gesturing ahead with her other. "We had fun too, Tidus."

"Yeah," Yuna grabbed Tidus' other arm, and both women began to pull him forward. "And we really like you too."

The cousins grins caused Tidus to pull back slightly in alarm. Instinct told him that smiles like that could only mean bad things for him. "Ok, where are we going?"

"Its a surprise," Rikku smiled slyly and pulled them down a street.

"Don't worry so much, Tidus. It'll be fun," Yuna giggled as she practically skipped beside him. "Don't you trust us?"

"With the two of you smiling like wolves in a butcher shop?" instinct was shoved aside as Tidus smiled back at his two friends. This wasn't one of Auron's doomed dates anymore. He still had a few hours before he'd have to turn in to be rested for practice. "Lets go."

'The Missing Clover' was an inconspicuous dance club that Tidus had never heard of before. A small, faded sign was the club's only marker.

Rikku smiled cutely at the tattooed bouncer. The man glared down at the trio and said something in a language the blitzer didn't understand. "Y haf duo, Rikku?"

"Oui'na zicd zaymuic dryd fa kud res vencd!" Rikku replied in what he could only assume was the same language. The bouncer snorted before moving aside to let them enter.

"What was that?" Tidus softly asked Yuna.

"They spoke in the Al Bhed language," Yuna pulled Tidus through the door. "Mostly Al Bhed come here. The bouncer is Rikku's older brother. So we always get in free."

"Nice," was what he'd intended to say, but he wasn't entirely sure he'd said it as a cacophony of noise washed over him. The utter silence outside hadn't prepared him for the noise.

The inside much was darker than the streets and his eyes weren't adjusting fast enough. One of the girls grabbed his arm and quickly led him through the dark and crowded club. Maybe he should take his team out more, just trying to keep his balance here took every bit of skill he had.

They broke through the crowd and sat at a back booth. Yuna quickly grabbed Rikku's bag explaining, "I need to change out of this. It's not really the best outfit to be wearing here."

"Hey!" Rikku had to shout in his ear to be heard over the music. It had a fast pounding beat to it, a guaranteed headache in an hour, but he liked it. "What do you think?"

Tidus looked around the club for the first time. Leather, was his first thought, a lot of leather. Though on second look he could see there was also plenty of metal around. "Um, I see why you like it-"

"Back!" Yuna dropped into the bench next to him pushing him over. She'd changed into clothes that matched Rikku's. Brightly colored leather.

"Heh," Tidus was beginning to feel conspicuous in he plain shirt and shorts. Auron had insisted it was the best outfit for him to wear. "This sucks. You both fit in here, but I really stick out."

Yuna looked at Rikku and grinned before leaning closer to shout, "Don't worry! We'll fix that."

"Yeah!" Rikku shouted before rooting through her bag. "I know I've got something in here for you."

"Here," Rikku held up a strip of leather. Looking closer Tidus saw it was a dog collar with inch long spikes. "This'll be perfect."

"Oh!" Yuna giggled taking the collar and quickly fastening it around the blonde man's neck. "It's perfect."

"Neat, thanks!" Tidus pulled the collar lightly. It was almost too tight, but that was probably how the things were supposed to be worn. "But I don't think this'll work too well. I still stick out."

"Just one more thing and you'll be fine, Tidus," Rikku dug through the bag more. The fast pounding music changed. The beats became slower and more rhythmic.

"I've had so much fun tonight," Yuna grinned, her head unconsciously bobbing with the beat. "I usually don't get to do this stuff because of Auntie. Thank you so much for tonight, Tidus."

"You don't need to thank me. If I had an Aunt like that, I'd go insane. Besides I had fun too," Tidus decided he liked the new music. It'd be good music to use for his team's entrance in a game.

"Found it!" Rikku crowed in triumph

"You know we really like you, Tidus. Rikku had a good time too," Yuna smiled over at the other girl and slid out of the booth drawing Tidus with her. "You look cute with the collar."

"Yeah," Rikku quickly followed. The bag was shoved under the table. "Like a little puppy."

"Puppy," Yuna giggled. "That's good. You'd make a nice pet, Puppy."

"Pet?" Tidus laughed. "Whose pet would I be?"

"Ours, silly Puppy," Rikku laughed and tugged roughly on his collar. She was stronger than she looked and Tidus stumbled forward a bit. She handed Yuna the end of a leash. A leash Tidus was surprised to see that led to his neck. "Hold him Yunie."

"Lets dance," Yuna's bright smile was all the warning he got before he abruptly found himself being dragged into the crush of bodies on the dance floor.

Tidus stumbled as someone cut between him and Yuna yanking the leash tight enough to choke him before Rikku pulled him closer to them. Yuna wrapped the leash around her hand and grabbed one of his arms. Rikku grabbed his other and leaned over to say something to Yuna.

Tidus gulped as they both looked back up at him with delighted grins. He started to acknowledge the warning bells that had been going off in his mind for a while.

"You're our Puppy now," Rikku rose up on her toes to talk into his ear.

"And it's time you learned a few rules," Yuna pulled his head lower using his collar. "All pets need to follow their Mistresses' rules."

"What?" Tidus felt the good feeling he'd had all night turn into a whirlpool of dread. He'd let his guard down around two people he'd only known for a few hours. He'd let himself be lulled into a false security.

"Or else Puppy'll get punished," Rikku said and bit his ear. Hard.

Tidus yelped. Because it hurt damn it, and yelping was better than the high scream that did not come from him. Why the hell was he thinking about that? Tidus shook the girls off and tried to push through the crowd.

"Does Puppy like being punished?" Yuna yanked hard on the leash pulling him back. "Bad Puppy, the first rule is no running away."

"Punishment time," Rikku sang into his ear.

"No!" Tidus roughly pulled the leash from Yuna's hand and threw himself into the crowd. Out he needed out, now. Fortunately the crowd didn't seemed inclined to fight a blitzball player intent on a headlong rush to the door.

Tidus slammed through the door and into the brightly lit streets. He paused for a few seconds to let his eyes adjust and get his breath back. There was no telling if the girls would chase after him or not.

"I tell them," Tidus yelped and spun around. Rikku's brother stood next to the door, "I tell them to explain to their boys before. That way they don't lose them. But they don't listen, never listen."

The bouncer smirked as he reached out and took the collar off of Tidus' neck. He'd almost forgotten about it. "I will give this back."

"That was no reason to be rude to them, Tidus," Auron frowned down at him.

"What?" Tidus looked up from his huddle on the couch. He hadn't exactly expected the older man to be understanding, but he'd hoped Auron would take some pity on him. "They wanted to make me into their pet slave and all you can say is I shouldn't have been rude?! Do you even take the time to find out anything about these people before you set me up?"

"Yuna is the daughter of an old friend of mine," Auron continued as if he hadn't heard anything. "It's a shame she has to live with her father's sister though. She was always fanatical about certain things. I think you should take Yuna out for another date, first dates don't always go very smoothly. You just might need to get to know her better."

Tidus pulled a pillow over his head and groaned.

* * *

"Breaking up can be a traumatic experience for a young adult that they often see as being the 'end of their world.' It is common during this time for your child to go through fits of depression and tantrums the likes of which you haven't seen since they were two! Your child might not tell you what happened at first, they may make up some story to cover it up out of embarrassment. It is suggested that you allow your child to do so and play along with them. Do not offer them pity, as they may see it as offensive and will draw away. It is simply best to act as normal as possible during this time." Secuva Raith author of "Raising Children Correctly: An Idiot's Guide.

* * *

Al Bhed translation:

"A new toy, Rikku"  
"You're just jealous that we got him first!"


	6. aaaand you're out!

Warnings: This is supposed to be humor. Run now. There will be random character bashings. There will be het, yaoi, and yuri pairings. There will be pairs, threesomes, and I think there'll be one lone narcissist.

Pairings: Heh, just guess and you might not be far off the mark.

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy X or any of it's characters. They belong solely to the Square. The Square is mighty an all-knowing. Being such a mighty being the Square would realize I have nothing worth suing for, right?

Raising a Child: The Idiot's Guide 6  
by fairady

* * *

"Stop that." 

"Why?"

"You'll hurt yourself."

"I'm hoping that if I keep banging my head this excruciatingly painful headache'll go away."

"It won't."

"I can always try."

"You'll kill yourself first."

"Yeah, that was kinda the point."

Auron watched amused as Tidus lifted his head and dropped it back onto the table again. Hard. "It's not that bad."

Tidus glared up at his guardian. "What do you smoke? 'Not that bad' was what you said the last two times you set me up. You remember, the fanatical crusader and the dominatrix twins? Now you want me to go out with another girl? Hmm. Let me think about this," Tidus screwed his face up in mock concentration. "Nope! I don't think so!"

"Hmph," Auron sat across from the boy. "I am simply doing what is best for you. Dating is an important part of your life, and you weren't doing it on your own."

Damn, Tidus thought sourly, he even sounds like the book now. He vowed to send the thing's ashes to the deepest pit in the sea. "Look, I've dated two girls, three if you wanna be technical. Isn't that enough?"

* * *

"Dona?" 

"Yes?"

"Why do you have to have a bodyguard?"

"Oh, someone's stalking me. Bartholomew is here to protect me."

"Ok. How do you know someone is stalking you?"

"Everytime I go out my dates all seem to get hurt. Last week I went to a blitzball game with a guy and he ended up in the hospital later that evening," Dona sighed in pleasure as she took another bite from her plate. "Oh, these are absolutely delicious. All that I really know is that the person is very strong. Thankfully with Bartholomew here whoever is doing it won't bother me."

"Uh-huh," Tidus stared across the table at the woman. Bartholomew glared at him from where he stood behind Dona. The very strong looking man hadn't taken his eyes off Tidus the entire night. The blonde really didn't like the picture his mind was painting him.

Pretty woman with a very protective and very strong looking bodyguard. Dates that ended up beaten to a bloody pulp. A foot trailing up his leg and... inside his thigh. Tidus quickly scooted his chair back.

Oh yeah, he didn't like what this was pointing to at all.

"So, Tidus. Do you really want to see that play or did you want to stop by my place for a bit?" Dona purred as she leaned forward her, skimpy shirt showing off her cleavage. Bartholomew crossed his arms showing off every muscle that bulged along his biceps.

"Check please!"

* * *

"I hate him. I hate him. I hate him!" For the second time in a week Tidus found himself running through the streets of Zanarkand. For the second time that week he found himself running because one of Auron's set up dates had gone wrong. Horribly wrong. 

Coming up to a corner Tidus warily looked around it to scan the street. The street was deserted and no Dona shaped shadows lurked anywhere along it. More importantly there were no Bartholomew shaped shadows.

Darting down the street he tried to convince himself he was safe. It had been nearly two hours since he last saw his pursuers. Surely they had gone home and forgotten all about him by now.

Sighing Tidus relaxed slightly. So maybe Dona and Bartholomew had gone home. He'd still feel a lot better going home during the day when there were people around.

Looking around the blonde was startled to see he knew where he was. His team's new medic lived in the complex just down the street. Tidus felt immensely better. He'd probably be able to sleep on her couch and go home in the morning.

* * *

He should've known it wouldn't be that easy. Tidus glared impatiently tapping his arm. "All right, you've had you're laugh. Now can I please come in, Lu?" 

The pale woman wiped the tears from her eyes and, still laughing, waved the blonde in. Getting in the complex and finding Lulu's room had been blessedly easy. Unfortunately, the mage woke up grumpy and had refused to let him in until he'd told her the embarrassing details of his 'date.' The woman had then laughed, and continued to do so as Tidus slumped onto her couch.

"That's almost worth being woken up for," Lulu sat in a nearby armchair. "Why would your guardian set you up on a date with a person like that? This Dona doesn't seem like the type of person you'd be interested in."

"Hey, don't ask me. The old man is off his rocker," Tidus sank down onto the very comfortable couch. "He seems to think that I don't date enough."

"Do you?"

"What kind of a question is that?"

"A valid one. Sir Auron doesn't seem the type to make unfounded accusations."

"Well, so what if I don't date? Is it really that important? Cause I've got other things to do that don't involve my maiming or death."

"Really?" Lulu smiled slightly. "So instead of trying to find someone to love, you spend your time playing a game that causes quite a lot of maiming and death."

Not fair. "At least when I play blitzball I know what I'm getting into. These dates I go on, I never know what to expect from them."

"Isn't that supposed to be part of the fun?"

"You call being chased by fanatics, being turned into the world's largest puppy, and threatened by a jealous stalker fun?"

"Not really. I call it funny."

Tidus stared at the laughing woman in disgust. Weren't medics required to be sympathetic? "I hate you."

Standing up the woman smirked down at him, "In my infinite kindness I shall pretend to not have heard that and let you sleep on my couch," Lulu ignored his sputtered protests and entered her room. A small pillow and folded blanket were tossed into the living room before she closed the door. "Good night, puppy."

"Really hate you," Tidus muttered as he wrapped the blanket around his shoulders. The couch wasn't too bad, sighing he closed his eyes and drifted off.

* * *

He had that look in his eye. Tidus instinctively cringed upon coming face to face with his guardian. So much for trying to sneak in for his gear without being seen. 

"So," Auron looked at him over his glasses. "The date didn't go well."

"Well," Tidus repeated blankly. That was one way of putting it. "No, it didn't go 'well.' The girl you sent me with tried to rape me, and her very large stalker tried to kill me!"

"Hmm," a thoroughly uninformative sound as Auron's attention was already elsewhere. Tidus could almost see the plans he was making for the next date.

"No," enough was enough. He couldn't take another date. Tidus put as much steel calmness he'd ever learned from the older man into his voice and said, "Auron I will not go on another date."

Auron blinked and looked back at him. "You need-"

"No!" Tidus interrupted. If he was going to get out of this he would only have one chance to do it. "What I need is to live! These dates you've forced me to go to have been horrible and life threatening. Putting aside the horribleness and life and limb threats, as you've done, you're forcing me to do this! How can I like someone when I'm being forced to see them?"

"How can you like someone when you don't meet anyone?" Auron immediately shot back.

Tidus refused to back down. "How can you set me up with someone when you don't even know what I like?"

"How can you know what you like when you don't even look?" Auron's red eye narrowed in something resembling anger.

Being raised by the man Tidus recognized the opening and took it. "I know what I like, Auron. And it's not these girls you set me up with."

"You don't like girls?" one eyebrow raised and Tidus would dearly love to know how the man did that while still looking over his glasses.

Tidus frowned, he was on tricky ground now. The wrong word could send him back to dating purgatory. "These dates just don't feel right, and it's really awkward going on them. I don't think it's fair to put these girls through it too."

"Hmm," it was his 'thinking' sound. Tidus prayed to the Gods for salvation. "You have a problem with dating girls?"

"Yes!" thank Bahamut! The old man was coming around. Now was the time to convince him to stop the stupid dates. He'd already spent more time dating than practicing with his team. "No more girls all right? They're really not what I'm interested in."

"Yes, I see that," Auron nodded soberly. "I'm very sorry I put you through that. I should have asked."

"That's all right," Tidus sighed in relief. Now he could concentrate on the championship instead of what new horror his guardian would inflict on him next. "I'm going to the arena. We've got some things we want to work on."

* * *

"It is sincerely hoped that this book has helped you in dealing with you're young man or woman. However, we must all recognize that there is no way for one book to deal with every situation that may come up as you raise your young one. That is why I urge all readers to check my line of other books to look for the ones that may deal with a 'special' situation dealing with you child." -Secuva Raith author of "Raising Children Correctly: An Idiot's Guide." 


	7. Interlude

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy X or any of it's characters. They belong solely to the Square. The Square is mighty an all-knowing. Being such a mighty being the Square would realize I have nothing worth suing for, right? 

Warnings: This is supposed to be humor. Run now. There will be random character bashings. There will be het, yaoi, and yuri pairings. There will be pairs, threesomes, and I think there'll be one lone narcissist.

Notes: This fic is coming out at a grindingly slow pace, and I'm very dorry about that. I will finish it, but I cannot tell you when that finish will be.

Raising a Child: The Idiot's Guide  
by fairady

* * *

Auron ducked into the store sidestepping a couple on their way out. The propetier of the last store he'd been to had suggested coming here, though he'd been warned the prices would be steep.

He walked up to the counter where a young Al Bhed woman cheerfuly greeted him without even looking up from her inventory book, "Welcome, how may I help you today?"

"I was informed a rare book I want could be found through you," Auron said.

The woman blinked and looked up at him, "I'm sorry, but are you Sir Auron?"

"Yes," Auron took one step back and eyed her warily. A question like that could go one of three ways and it never hurt to be cautious. "I am."

"Ah! It's such a pleasure to meet you, Sir," the woman's smile grew wider as she squealed happily. "I'm afraid that I cannot help you, but if you could wait one moment I can get the owner."

Before he could say a word the woman dissapeared into the back. A well earned sense of paranoia informed him now was the time for him to flee. It was a sort of sixth sense that had saved him many times in the past, and if it weren't for the importance of this book he would've listened.

Barely a few minutes passed before the woman returned followed closely by a vaguely familiar man. Auron frowned as the blonde Al Bhed grinned, teeth blindingly white against his tanned skin.

"So, we meet again Sir Auron," the man grasped his hand in both of his and firmly shook it. "It is good to see that you have fully recovered. The last time I saw you was near your own death bed."

Ah, Auron blinked as the familiarity finally sunk in. This was the merchant who had found him on Gagazhet. What was his name...? "Rin."

"I am amazed that you would remember my name," Rin laughed as he led the guardian into the back and sat him down at a table. "You were barely alive when I found you and left as soon as you could move. I had feared you dead despite my care."

Truthfully Auron couldn't remember much of that time at all. He'd been surprised that he was able to recall the man's name. "I'm sorry. That was no way to repay someone who saved my life, but I had some promises to keep and could not afford to wait."

"Please, please," Rin pulled his seat next to Auron's and clasped his shoulder. "I am just happy to know you did live. Now, tell me what has brought you back to me today?"

Auron frowned thoughtfully and said, "I'm looking for an out of print book that I've been told only you could aquire."

"I see," Rin grinned. "What is it called?"

Auron quickly gave the merchant all the information he'd been able to find, and quelched the urge to flee as the merchant's grin became larger.

"That is indeed a very rare and hard to find book. I'm afraid the Yevonites took to burning it a few years ago," Rin leaned closer. "For you I can find a copy, but it will not be cheap."

Auron stared at the merchant warily, "How much?"

Rin quoted a figure.

"Impossible," Auron sighed.

"I thought so," Rin laughed. "Which is why I will consider a bargain instead."

"A bargain?" the voice he called Paranoia was screaming now, Auron pushed it away with some difficulty. He had to have this book. No matter how dangerous the path to getting it might be. "What sort of bargain?"

Paranoia gave up and kicked Subconcious who muttered something about handcuffs...and whips. Rin's grin was absolutely predatory.


	8. Interlude Continued

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy X or any of it's characters. They belong solely to the Square. The Square is mighty an all-knowing. Being such a mighty being the Square would realize I have nothing worth suing for, right? 

Warnings: This is supposed to be humor. Run now. There will be random character bashings. There will be het, yaoi, and yuri pairings. There will be pairs, threesomes, and I think there'll be one lone narcissist.

Notes: Another chapter! Yes, I'm absolutely amazed that this short chapter finally decided to pull itself together. It's been sitting on my computer for months in several broken pieces.

Raising a Child: The Idiot's Guide  
by fairady

* * *

Tidus kicked back lazily watching Kip break through Suney's defense. Rille easily caught the ball and swam towards the goal. Mort squared up in the net barely blocking the hard kick.

The Zanarkand Abes were a skilled team of blitzers. Tidus had no doubt in his mind that they would win the championship. He made sure they worked hard on improving their defense and offense. Come tournament time the other teams wouldn't know what hit 'em.

Grinning the blonde swam towards his teammates signaling the end of practice. They'd be on a ship to Luca in a few days and he didn't want them to over do it. He was greeted by the team's medic as he exited the sphere. She waited patiently as he grabbed a towel to help dry off. "What's up Lu?"

"Lulu. Please call me by my full name," the raven haired woman glared at him. "I want to do a physical on the team before the tournament."

"Aw, come on! You just checked up on us last month," Tidus pouted at the pale woman. "Don't you trust me when I say we're all fine?"

"No, I don't," the woman's stance softened slightly. Fractionally. Just a tiny little bit. Maybe he was just being hopeful. "Tomorrow before practice. Now stop it with the eyes, puppy."

Tidus winced at the nickname. She'd made it a point to call him that at least once a day. She called it payment for waking her up at 'an ungodly hour.' If she kept it up the rest of the team would start in on him too.

"Fine, fine," she'd get her way no matter what he did. It was her sole mission in life to make sure the Abes were in top health. Torturing and teasing the blonde captain seemed to be her secondary mission. He paid her for the first but had yet to find enough gil to make her give up the second. "I'll have everyone in early. You ready to ship out with us to Luca?"

"Of course," Lulu turned down the hall her long leather dress making it look more dramatic than it was. "Sir Auron is coming as well isn't he? I'd never miss out on the chance to see him set you up again."

"Ha ha. Very funny Lu," Tidus shouted after the woman. She'd have to find her kicks elsewhere this time. "See you tomorrow."

Sighing Tidus stretched his arms out above him, and went to the locker room to warn the team of the physical.

* * *

It was just after noon when Tidus finally left the coliseum. His team had taken his news with much moaning and groaning. It didn't last very long as the excitement that had dogged them since winning the last game came back. Tidus grinned as he waved at a couple of kids wearing the Abes colors.

He had all day to lay back and do absolutely nothing. It kind of surprised him how long it had been since he'd been able to do that. Even before Auron started to set him up on dates he'd been too busy to relax. Tidus had never doubted his team would be going to the finals and had spent months preparing for it. The sheer amount of organization and planning needed had nearly killed him, but it would be worth it to play in the world league. It was about time the world saw how blitzball was really meant to be played.

"I'm back!" Tidus dropped his bag inside the door and started to tug off his boots. A muffled sound from the kitchen told him Auron was home. "We've got one last physical exam that Lu insists we got to go through tomorrow. More things just keep popping up the closer we get to the finals."

"'More things,' or simply things you never bothered to think about?" Auron's amused chuckle preceded him out of the kitchen.

Tidus childishly stuck his tongue out and dropped onto the couch stretching out with a blissful sigh. It felt so nice and he really didn't want to move. "Hey, can we just order out tonight? I really don't feel like making anything."

"Do what you want," the couch cushions dipped further as Auron sat next to him. "I won't be in tonight."

"Hmm?" Tidus tilted his head and looked at his guardian. Auron was wearing the sleeveless black shirt and pants that he wore only around the house. If it was something to be worried about the man would have already been wearing his brightly colored jacket and armor while sharpening his huge freakin sword. "Why not?"

"Something...unavoidable came up," Auron sighed as he glanced at the clock. "I'll see you in the morning."

Tidus blinked as Auron stood up and walked out the door without further explanation. He stared stupidly at the closed door and waited.

Auron didn't come back, and as the minutes dragged on the realization that he wasn't going to come back slowly sank in. Tidus blinked some more and slowly looked towards the coat rack. Auron's red jacket and worn armor hung there serenely.

"Holy shit," Tidus whispered in stunned disbelief. Never in all the years he'd spent with Auron had he seen the man so much as place one foot outside without the protection of his armor and jacket.

But now... now he'd just calmly walked out without so much as a hint of hesitation for what sounded like an all night event. Tidus gaped at the closed door some more. He couldn't believe it.

Auron still didn't come back.

* * *

"I still fail to see what any of this has to do with the fact that you have my phone number."

It was good that ice spells couldn't actually be transmitted through phones. 'Cause if it was possible Tidus was sure Lulu would've frozen his sorry butt five minutes ago.

"It's freaky!" Tidus grinned at the groan he knew Lu was barely holding back. After he'd sufficiently pulled himself together and ordered out for dinner he'd decided that confusion really needed to be shared. "He wears his armor to go get the frickin mail, but tonight he just went out in nothing!"

"Nothing?" Lu chuckled. "Why didn't you say that earlier? If I knew he was wearing nothing..."

"Shut up, Lu," Tidus downed most of his water. The food was really, really good. He just hadn't been able to figure out how to order it without all the spice yet, "You know what I mean. He was just wearing a shirt and pants."

"Well, maybe he was going out on a date."

Tidus choked on his noodles and had to throw the phone down to hack them back up. Eyes watering he picked the phone back up catching the tail end of laughter. "Very funny."

"It is," Lulu assured him. "What is so upsetting about Sir Auron on a date? He is still a man you know."

"First off, while he's not my real father I still don't want to think about him and sex at the same time," Tidus shuddered. "Secondly, this is Auron. For the past eight years he's used a how-to book to raise me because he had no clue how to. I really don't think he's out being social with anyone let alone as a date."

"Well, you never know," Lulu said. "Things change all the time."

"Not Auron," Tidus shook his head. "The world would end if he did."

"You're such a childish puppy," the woman sighed, completely ignoring his sputtered protests. "Now, as amusing as it is to hear about your insecurities, I have better things to do than laugh at you."

"Hey-" Tidus blinked at the click. Damn, and she probably wouldn't answer again. "Now what do I do?"

Shrugging to himself he gathered his plate and dumped it in the sink. He could deal with it tomorrow when Auron would inevitably kick his butt outta bed to clean up after himself. Then Tidus could whine and tease him about his date, and Auron would say it wasn't a date, that it was actually something completely sane and reasonable.

Yep, that was a perfect plan. Tidus yawned and headed off to sleep.


End file.
